Why?

It's God's purpose, goal, and desire that we all find that person with whom we want to share eternity.  Of this there is no doubt in my mind.  I believe it and always will.  But oh how trying this life is we lead!  How fickle these passing moments of weakness that do so easily beset us!  How strong these pathetic, temporary emotions of the human soul!  We spend one hour with someone and wish it would last for eternity, and yet with another a single hour feels like eternity and we can't wait for it to end!  Why is the human heart so changing?  Can we not choose to simply be happy with somebody that cares for us?  Why is it that being attractive is connected with love?  Would it not be better for us to feel attraction to all females for the only fact that they can give us love and companionship?  And why do we see those that are attractive, and that even think we are, and yet we just feel nothing towards that person?  How is it that we are supposed to keep our sanity when so many that we would like to be with don't want to be with us, and yet we meet so many that we don't think twice about going out with and yet there they are still, waiting for us, wanting every minute that we talk to them.  Oh, how I wish I could simply control my heart and all the feelings that radiate from my tortured soul!  How much easier life would be, how much stress and grief could be taken away if I could but force myself to fall in love with somebody that could care for me as I could her!  But alas, all is not as easy as we so often wish it to be.  We must be humble and do it the way its meant to be done.  For, is that not humility?  Doing it the way God planned for it to be done despite the difficulty of the task and despite what we may think or want?  It is truly a test of human capacity to keep an eternal perspective on those things that draw our minds to the emotional and temporal.  How easily we think of the future in days and weeks, yet the eternities slip our minds as easily as we forget to buy napkins at the grocery store.  Can not the knowledge that, in Heaven, all will be different and physical attraction will not be a problem?  For we will all be resurrected with perfect bodies, so why are we not able to just concede the point of attraction and love and be with the person that is willing to be with us?  Why are we unable to view these short, mortal years with a perspective outside of mortality, even an eternal perspective?  Why must we search, find, and fall in love, only to have our hearts constantly disappointed and tortured, and then start the process over again?  Is there some unseen growth, or lesson, or something to be learned from the constant pain that the heart feels while we are in the journey of love?  Blessed, and lucky, are those that find their 'one and only' from the beginning and they stick together.  But for those of you who, like me, must endure the path of time that eventually, we hope, leads to love, I offer only the truth of the challenge ahead of us.  That God, in all of His supreme knowledge and mercy, has prepared something for us, someone.  We cannot see it yet, the grand plan, but it is in full progress.  We must keep pressing forward to find it, and to find our 'one and only'.  What else can we do?  Give up?  Nay, we cannot.  For in the day that we give up we forfeit generations of blessings and endless hope, love, and companionship that will be most sweet.

What would you do without them???

Friends.  Family.  Life would be pointless without them.  Let's set aside any and all religious/spiritual views and look at just the core of a man: emotion.  Do you remember how it feels when, out of the blue, someone you care about shows you they care about you?  When that person you love does something to show that they are thinking of you?  Do you remember that sensation?  The increase in your heart beat, a swelling in your stomach.  Now, think about a period when that didn't happen.  Can you see the difference...I can.  How often would we accomplish our goals without the support of those who care enough about us to urge us on, even in the face of great opposition?  What would be the point of having all the money in the world if it cost you the world...Can you remember how if felt to spend a ridiculous amount of money on someone and not even care...because their smile lit up your world.  The reason those moments are so powerful and so important, at least to me, is because for that moment you forget entirely about your problems.  They disappear entirely.  It's literally as though a weight is lifted from your shoulders.  Your body is happy, in the sense that it feels good, the way it wants to feel...it's literally healthy to feel happy.  Stress can cause many aches and pains physically on the body.
Now...let's flip the coin.  Think of all this you have read, and apply it to others.  What you remember of how you feel...that is how others feel when you do things for them to show them that to you they are special.  I loved getting surprises from that "special" person, but it was nothing like seeing her face light up when I did something.  I really felt like I would do anything just to see her smile.  I guess that could kind of be a rule of life when it comes to those that you really, truly care about...that when they are happy you are happy.  So if you want to be happy, make them happy.
I love my family more than anything and my brother, Ryan, is my closest friend.  The thought of him getting hurt makes me dizzy as if I were to faint.  I would take a bullet for him without hesitating.  But the best part is, he knows it.  Being brothers we obviously don't talk to each other like that...but it's an unspoken knowledge.  I wouldn't be who I am or where I am without him.  I feel as if I would give up my happiness to make him happy.  And that is a big part of what makes my life feel complete, whole.  I would, of course, do any of these things for any one of my family members, but there is strong connection between us. 
So, what am I trying to say with all of this?  I guess what I am trying to say is that others make our life but that depends on us.

Express Yourself

I have found that life is constantly changing, you can never exactly predict the outcome of others choices, for these choices are made, normally, without your knowledge.  A "goodbye" can come without warning, or a "hello".  One word can change the rest of your life, forever.  It's happened to me.  I'm sure if it hasn't happened to you, it will.  So, how did I cope?  I expressed myself.  Why?  I believe that the less you hold inside, the less internal damage will be done.  But I had to learn this the hard way.  That one word, "goodbye", I did not expect.  It took me a long time to learn that expressing myself actually helped heal the pain and to ready myself for the hoped for "hello".  How you express yourself is your own journey to find out.  When you express yourself you understand better exactly how you feel and come to learn how to deal with it.  How did I do it?  Poetry.


A Healing Torture
The wounds too old it should be gone,
my life's becoming an unhappy song;
the same ups and downs are getting old,
the warmth of my heart is growing cold;
You burn my memories and my dreams invade,
to end this pain, my heart, i'd trade;
A new one came but far from mine,
that which I need, but can't, is time;
The shining through is a saving light,
it shines so bright to end my night;

That poem is about pain but eventually of hope of a new light.  This next poem is one that helped me understand exactly how I felt, which I needed to understand to be able to cope and move on.  It's not a "hope" poem but one of understanding the pain.

Crumbling
I drive away but the wall breaks down,
you can almost hear it fall to the ground,
and though, I know, you've already forgotten,
I hid a reminder you use too often.
And though you go on while I stay back,
and of my grief the Devil laughs,
but from the laughter comes the pain,
as, from the Heavens, it starts to rain.
Though the water can smooth the rock,
the constant beating engraves the shock.
And from the words I sent to you,
you tell me that which I should do.
Without the words written I still understand,
without you here I still take your hand.
Before the fall they tried to warn me,
but I rejected the parachute they were offering.
Deceptively bitter, I'm now free falling,
because I chose not to heed the calling.
And though it dulls with the pass of time...
time has no place in the frozen mind.